How do you cook meat?

[Persephone]

Okay, since it's Christmas and all, I was considering giving in and cooking something carnivorous for my friends. I believe ham was the expressed preference. Okie doke. I'll bite the bullet, I guess. But it just struck me that I have no fucking clue how to cook a piece of meat.

I don't have a lot of time because I have to go to a funeral in the morning. I'll get back middle of the afternoon. That gives me about four hours to get everything done.

Is there a way to bake a ham that isn't gross? Can I put in in the slow cooker while I'm gone? Should I just give up and buy a deli tray?

Okay, since it's Christmas and all, I was considering giving in and cooking something carnivorous for my friends. I believe ham was the expressed preference. Okie doke. I'll bite the bullet, I guess. But it just struck me that I have no fucking clue how to cook a piece of meat.

I don't have a lot of time because I have to go to a funeral in the morning. I'll get back middle of the afternoon. That gives me about four hours to get everything done.

Is there a way to bake a ham that isn't gross? Can I put in in the slow cooker while I'm gone? Should I just give up and buy a deli tray?




Jesus. ::)

Take the ham out of the wrapper, put it in a shallow pan, cover with foil, and cook for 15 mins per lb. at 300 or until internal temp is 160 degrees.

This is presuming that the ham is precooked.

[Persephone]

That's it? I don't have to pour anything weird on top of it or say a prayer for the pig or anything?

**Making notes about pre-cooked.

[jeny]

Go to the grocery store and buy one that is already cooked, all you have to do is heat the thing up. They even tell you how to do it on the wrapper. Easy peasy.

[nickg]

go to the store and buy some of those plastic cooking bags. all you gotta do is follow the directions and throw the ham in the bag. cooking will vary depending on whether it is a boneless ham or not.

i always cook hams and turkeys in those bags now and they come out SOOOOO damn tender and juicy.

too many people make a big deal out of cooking. i can whip up a good meal in no time with just a few ingredients. some people are just too damn lazy and use the "i don't know how to cook" excuse because of it.

That's it? I don't have to pour anything weird on top of it or say a prayer for the pig or anything?

**Making notes about pre-cooked.


Truth in fact. You aren't cooking a precooked ham. You are warming it up. Here's another fact. You can eat it without heating it up. It's ready to eat. All you're doing is warming it up to the temperature you want to eat it at.

It really is THAT simple.

Yes, and everyone is right. The "heating" directions are on the frigging bag.

Now, if you want to glaze it, they have glazes in a jar. You can use anything you want, really, brown sugar, marmalade, peaches, friggin cherry preserves...Vodka...yeah...I KNOW you have vodka.

You are amazing.

[Persephone]

That's it? I don't have to pour anything weird on top of it or say a prayer for the pig or anything?

**Making notes about pre-cooked.


Truth in fact. You aren't cooking a precooked ham. You are warming it up. Here's another fact. You can eat it without heating it up. It's ready to eat. All you're doing is warming it up to the temperature you want to eat it at.

It really is THAT simple.

Yes, and everyone is right. The "heating" directions are on the frigging bag.

Now, if you want to glaze it, they have glazes in a jar. You can use anything you want, really, brown sugar, marmalade, peaches, friggin cherry preserves...Vodka...yeah...I KNOW you have vodka.

You are amazing.



I'm amazing because I don't know how to cook something I don't eat?

I can cook most anything else.

[jeny]

Here in CA, they have this place called "honeybake" and you just order the damn thing, tell them what time you want to pick it up and it's hot and sliced and ready to go. They'll even glaze it with a variety of sauces if you want. It's not bad.

[jeny]

an aside, whatr do you care what it tastes like? It's not like you're gonna EAT the damn thing.

I'm amazing because I don't know how to cook something I don't eat?

I can cook most anything else.


I can cook anything, even if I don't eat it. As I was telling Bill earlier, there is a nifty doodle invention out there with the watches...in your case, there is what they call a cook book...in fact, lord almighty, the recipes are right here on the internet.

Honestly, Suth, you stun me sometimes. Cooking is an art and should be treated as such. I know you don't eat meat and all, but when you have carnivores over, shouldn't you at least make an effort to assuage their hunger? At the very least when you have guests over, grab one of the guys and say, "Here, shithead, cook this for me for you." If they don't know how, let 'em eat veggies.

[Persephone]

Here in CA, they have this place called "honeybake" and you just order the damn thing, tell them what time you want to pick it up and it's hot and sliced and ready to go. They'll even glaze it with a variety of sauces if you want. It's not bad.



Hey, I hadn't thought of that. I think there might be one of those places here. But at this point I am thinking that if I am making this enormous concession to serve ham with a meal, I might as well cook the fucker myself.

Gag.

Gag.


Question: Is it the thought of consuming the flesh that does this to you, or is it the idea of touching it?

[Persephone]

I'm amazing because I don't know how to cook something I don't eat?

I can cook most anything else.


I can cook anything, even if I don't eat it. As I was telling Bill earlier, there is a nifty doodle invention out there with the watches...in your case, there is what they call a cook book...in fact, lord almighty, the recipes are right here on the internet.

Honestly, Suth, you stun me sometimes. Cooking is an art and should be treated as such. I know you don't eat meat and all, but when you have carnivores over, shouldn't you at least make an effort to assuage their hunger? At the very least when you have guests over, grab one of the guys and say, "Here, shithead, cook this for me for you." If they don't know how, let 'em eat veggies.



Well, yes. I have cook books. I even know how to read them. But I didn't learn to cook from books. I learned to cook my watching my Mama and by trial and error. A cook book doesn't tell you what other people like. I figured the best way to find out how people like these things cooked is to ask people who eat it.

And clearly you haven't met my friends if you think I should have them cook it. It will turn out better if I do it myself.

But I must say I'm pleased. This is the most confidence you have ever shown in my cooking skills. :-*

[Persephone]

I forgot to say asshole. I didn't want you to think I didn't notice. :-*

[BrandonL]

Here in CA, they have this place called "honeybake" and you just order the damn thing, tell them what time you want to pick it up and it's hot and sliced and ready to go. They'll even glaze it with a variety of sauces if you want. It's not bad.

http://honeybakedham.com/

[Persephone]

Thanks for the link, Brandon. There isn't one here after all. That's okay. Now that bad has pissed me off by calling me a twit I have to cook it myself. ::)

[Satan]

I learned to cook my watching my Mama

Ya'll, this here is proof that God does exist. ;D

I learned to cook my watching my Mama

Ya'll, this here is proof that God does exist. ;D


I also learned how to cook by watching my Mama...and, in turn, did exactly the opposite of whatever the fuck she was trying to make.

[Satan]

Did you call your mother "Mama"? Whur wuz you raised?

[Persephone]

He claims his mother is the one female ever to hail from Louisianna who couldn't cook worth shit.

[Persephone]

If my Mama even owned measuring cups, I never new it, but she never in her life fucked up a pan of bisquits or a pie crust or anything else she tried to cook.

The only thing I do different is to leave off about 90% of the grease. Sorry guys.

He claims his mother is the one female ever to hail from Louisianna who couldn't cook worth shit.




On the upside, she was raised on a cotton farm and laid claim to being "the best hoer in Lake Providence, Louisiana."

<Broad beaming proud look>

[Satan]

If my Mama even owned measuring cups, I never new it, but she never in her life fucked up a pan of bisquits or a pie crust or anything else she tried to cook.

The only thing I do different is to leave off about 90% of the grease. Sorry guys.


Are you sure you aren't my cousin? Oh wait, we're all cousins...

My friends finally just quit asking my Mama for recipes. They just say "If I come to your house, will you show me how to make...?"

[Persephone]

If my Mama even owned measuring cups, I never new it, but she never in her life fucked up a pan of bisquits or a pie crust or anything else she tried to cook.

The only thing I do different is to leave off about 90% of the grease. Sorry guys.


Are you sure you aren't my cousin? Oh wait, we're all cousins...

My friends finally just quit asking my Mama for recipes. They just say "If I come to your house, will you show me how to make...?"



There was something you said about your Mama the other day that reminded me of my own. I've forgotten now what it was, but it made me smile.

From time to time, my cousins whose Mama died call my Mama and ask her for help. They'll stay on the phone until she's talked them through a whole damn meal. Funniest thing.

[Satan]

It was the gift thing. She might enjoy being pampered, but she wouldn't pay to indulge herself. :)

[Persephone]

It was the gift thing. She might enjoy being pampered, but she wouldn't pay to indulge herself. :)



Yeah. That was it. I love her already.